Now, I get it’s 2024 and not everyone wants to read a novel-length post so, here are a few mini up-dates.
26/04/2024
It’s been a f**ing rough week 😑 I feel like everything, and I mean everything in my life has gone to shit, work, personal, even my ability to think logically. I might as well be an empty shell.
Dramatic, I know.
When I first felt like this, I took it upon myself to learn and improve my self-development. The urge to understand why I feel the way I do and why I sometimes struggle with anxiety and bouts of depression has led me to delve into my past and learn how to be more present, to be able to sit and feel my emotions, both negative and positive.
Anxiety and OCD symptoms are with me daily, and in reality, I can deal with them. The intrusive thoughts, the panic and fear, and the odd sensory hallucinations I feel in my body, all are a pain in the arse, but I deal with them without suppressing them (not easy).
A few months ago, I was made redundant. I dealt with it without blame, simply acknowledging the need to move forward and find a new job. Then, just a day later, I learned that the flat I was renting was being sold. Now, not only did I need to secure a new job, but I also needed to do so before losing my living arrangement. No landlord would let me sign a new lease without a full-time paycheck coming in. 😒
In my efforts to understand myself, I learned to prioritise "me" time between job applications and interviews. It's a must!
To exercise, the gym became my sanctuary, even if not daily, I made sure I was going! 💪
Routine walks became a staple, and I mean hours of walking daily. 🚶♂️
Meditation, which has taken me a while to get back into it, but combined with breathwork, it became a habit that proved invaluable. 🧘♂️
Networking: THIS! I realized that I couldn’t just rely on job applications; I needed to meet new people.🚀
With this wave of depression, I needed to push through and things started looking up, with incredible support from both strangers and friends who lifted me without empty reassurances that "everything will be fine."
But even with progress and impeccable self-care practices (if I do say so myself) depression can still hit hard.
This recent bout of depression has me genuinely terrified, a feeling I haven't experienced in years. I'm in that depressive state once again, and despite having the tools to overcome it, I've learned that sometimes the depressive tunnel can engulf you, no matter how skilled you are at helping yourself.
The tell-tale sign for me is zoning out, staring into space endlessly. It's the beginning of a downward spiral, and this week, that zoning out has been relentless. Today, I sat down and applied for nine jobs, each with a personalized cover letter (with a little ChatGPT help, of course). I felt productive. But within five minutes of that proud feeling, I found myself staring at the wall. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you if it lasted 30 seconds or an hour. I got up and made some food, took it to bed, and ate it in silence. It was this moment that my face was covered in tears... and I didn’t even know I was crying (Robot vibes right there). 🤖
I’ve learned that getting up, no matter how hard it is, is a must! I began to write this and already I feel better. Sure, I’ve zoned out endlessly and my eyes are burning from the tears, but I do feel more ‘human. I’ll force myself to go to the gym, even if I’m there for 10 minutes, I don’t care. It’s needed. It’s mad (no pun intended) that you can do everything you know to be mentally strengthening—meditating, journaling, working-out, talking to others, and yet, you can still be gripped with depression. Pushing through is key for me. 🐱🏍
Sticking as much as I can to a routine is needed to get me out the other side, but I always know I need to allow myself to feel this ‘emptiness.’ In a strange way, I feel blessed to know my mind so well, to know that this ‘blip’ is back but also to know that it will pass, no matter how challenging it is to endure.
And as for being my usual worried about others feeling, I’m sorry but but for once, I must look after me! It’s all I can do to get through this this period in my life.
24/04/24
7 weeks since redundancy and 8 weeks until eviction 😒 Life can be a lil sh*t at times.
This week I’ve applied for X amount of jobs, had 2 interviews, 4 rejections, completed a short course, and had 1 questionable moment of ‘f**k the world 😳.
Today, I’ve applied for 3 jobs and hit a brick wall! Even though I know I should (need to) push through and hunt more, it just isn’t going to happen.
Instead, I’m gonna help a friend paint her boat, look up at the sun, go to the gym, I might even take a nap.
I feel for everyone looking for a job as it’s so hard out there but I also know we will all get something… just needs to hurry the f*** up! 😅
28/02/2024
To say it’s been a minute since I've written here is a massive understatement!
Life seems to be throwing me curveballs, again 😰
Here we are in 2024, and the trend continues. It's shocking how I've managed to keep calm (well, at least externally). But inside, my mind is still playing games.
In January, I had the opportunity to attend and contribute to my first international event in Miami!
Finally, my work life seemed to be going well. But just a few weeks later, it was time for a meeting dubbed 'Catch-up Walk.' How quaint. Due to a delivery, I had to work from home, so our catch-up walk turned into a virtual one over Teams. I paced around my living room, so it was kind of like walking.
At 11:30 am sharp, it was time for my 'catch-up.' I opened my laptop only to find not just the big boss but also someone from HR staring right back at me. Not exactly a promising sign!
Within minutes, I was hit with the news of redundancy. Amazing 🤨
The very next day, my flatmate and I received news that the flat we call home was being sold, and we needed to find a new place to live. Talk about a rough week.
Getting hit with bad news two days in a row is never fun. Redundancy followed by eviction—most 'normal' people would stress about the obvious: the looming threat of homelessness and the struggle to pay for jackshit without a job.
But my mind? It's been overrun with anxiety, OCD-fueled thoughts, and worst-case scenarios.
I'm now panicking about what the third piece of bad news will be.
What if someone close to me dies? Will I spiral back into depression and suicidal thoughts? -Will I end up living on the streets?
I can handle the redundancy and the eviction in themselves. It's tough out there right now—people are tightening their belts, selling off belongings, facing job cuts, and focusing on self-preservation. But what I'll struggle with the most is the sense of impending doom.
It's not all a shitshow, though. The logical side of my brain reminds me, 'You're not Your Thoughts, and OCD is just a little bitch'
It won't be easy, but I'll make it through. Bad things don't necessarily come in threes. I can help myself by staying productive, actively searching for work and a new flat, reaching out for support, and prioritizing self-care—a practice I've admittedly neglected lately.
Now off to meditate, after I pour myself a large whisky.
21/05/2023
Mental Health Awareness Week is in full swing! 🧠
It’s been a while since I wrote, shared, even spoke about my mental state.
A year of loss, depression, panic attacks... Oh, these bloody panic attacks! Teamed with that little nasty thing, Imposter Syndrome, which really took hold for a while.
But last week I ignored all the worry, chatter, and fear. I joined Olajumoke Champion and Naomi Olaoye on their, Women Wine Wisdom Podcast to talk as open as ever and loved every minute! 👏
It’s not easy talking about your mind but it’s worth it, even if our honest conversation is useful to a handful of others.
Heads Up, there may be triggers here. Our discussion includes suicide, depression, and intrusive thoughts. Link below ⤵
https://lnkd.in/eqVMxjja
31/03/2023
Last week was OCD Week of Action and I kept a lil quiet.
I did write the below post, but maybe, just maybe that’s all bollox.
The real reason I kept it zipped, was due to my OCD being a real prick. I wasn’t sure what to say… do I share the tips that made me better for years, all while knowing I’ve gone in reverse mode in recent months?
Recovery is possible but so are these ‘blips making people revert to a state of OCD hell.
The past month or so has made me question, can you truly get better and stay there?
I’ve spoken a lot about Intrusive thoughts in the past. These are a part of me and sometimes so intense I dunno who I am at times.
The point is not to bang on, but to educate that having OCD isn’t a ‘blessing’ from the cleaning gods, and probably more important, you/we are allowed to have, and voice these bastard blips.
17/03/2023
My first post of 2023. Life become busy
OCD Week of Action has come and gone. (Well, almost) Between the 13-17th of March people have shared their experiences of living with OCD, which isn’t easy I can tell you. Doing this helps others know they’re not alone and often encouraging people to seek help they may need.
So, why didn’t I share, chat away about my own experiences during this allotted time when on a ‘normal’ day, I go to town and overshare my OCD ‘issues?
The main reason is, I’m not a fan of awareness weeks, months or even days… I said it!
I truly feel we should be talking about this all the time and not just a few set days.
This may sound strange as bringing awareness to anything is so fucking important (facts!) but still, there is something a lil ‘😒’ about being given a time period where we are almost granted permission to open up and share without fear of being judged.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t share! We must! as there is still a stigma around mental ill health that needs to end. But maybe, just maybe we should be doing this outside of the yearly awareness slots.
Helpful link below
9/11/2022
So, it’s 20.20pm on a Wednesday and I think, I THINK, I am finally coming out of the depressive state! These periods tend to last a month or two, this year has been hard so unsurprisingly I’ve felt this way for a longer period... almost 5 months in fact.
5 months of emotional outbursts (mainly blubbering to myself) feeling worthless, zoning out, unable to concentrate, sit still, enjoy fuck all really. Apart from a glass of something strong.
How do I know things are easing?
Today I’m off work and using the time to study. Since starting this course, I haven’t enjoyed it, finding things hard to take in and focus.
That changed. I’ve been working on coursework for hours, in a state of flow. No urge to nap or veg out. I have the motivation at last! In a random way, it feels strange to not want to cry. I’m actually out of it and cannot wait to be happy for a while!
24/10/2022
There is only so much your mind will allow.
This year hasn’t been fun. Two deaths, struggling to make rent. Shit has been hard. I’ve ignored all the signs my body has sent me.
Overwhelming sadness, weight loss, itching, blushing, anger, feeling useless and sweating, oh the fu*king sweating😰
Today it finally hit. A dreaded panic attack. Grabbing my laptop I left work. Not allowed to WFH but, fuck that. No way I’m spending my day looking like a broken mess… I’ll do that at home thank you very much 😅
I spent over 6 hours working, overworking to compensate for not being ‘there. It makes you think, we/I worry about a J.O.B and fear losing it instead of protecting our only mind 🤔
28/09/2022
Fuck, what’s going on with me? It’s fair to say this year has been shit and tbh, it doesn’t seem to be improving.
I’ve been trying to get a new job for some time and the last few interviews have been 1,2,3 stages long, all of which I’ve sailed through. The last one I had a 30-minute screening, an hour panel interview and even took time from my current job to head to their office to chat, get to know the system and run through the job in more detail. I honestly felt excitement and dare I say, passion for a job I was yet to get… two days later
‘‘I’m sorry but…’’
Back to the job market I go. Now, I’m pretty good at staying positive. Right back to applying and bettering myself by studying, reading, and learning when I can.
That was until today. Walking home after a long day I had an overwhelming urge to cry (Nothing new there 😅)
I get these feelings now and again, but accept them and carry on. But today was different, asking myself, am I depressed? The answer is yes, I’ve experienced bouts of depression that last 2-3 weeks. I have had this on and off since I was 8 yo… so, fuck all new really.
Today’s feeling was slightly different. Thinking, do I need medication, or at least explore this option as I’m not myself and haven’t felt happy for months!
The rejections are not to blame and I’m lucky to have enough emotional intelligence to understand that, however, I also know it hasn’t helped and maybe, just maybe I need to stop looking for a new role for while and focus on myself. Sadly, taking time off my current job isn’t possible (you know how much it costs to be ill?
But, I can slow down and call the GB just to chat through options, right?
It’s time to get advice.🩺
4/08/2022
'Keep it hush, hush 🤫'
Over the past few months. 6 in fact, my mind hasn't been working very well. For the first time, I've felt that hiding certain things about me is becoming a sh*t show. Being neurodiverse has never really been a ‘thing’.
Not that I can hide my OCD and occasional strange 'quirks' that come with it.
But lately, I’ve started to worry about another side of me, shitting myself in fact. Worrying more people will find out I have severe dyslexia.
(Beat you to it! Spilling my own tea ‘n’ shit)☕
It's got to the point where I'm proofreading everything back so many times that now it is very much an 'OCD' thing, known as counting-based behaviour.
The main reason for this worry is anxiety. The pure panic about how life has taken a massive step back.
Work life, Dosh💸, Personal life, are all tag teaming against me and clearly winning… for now anyway.
I’ve written a full blog post on dyslexia but am not ready to share just yet.
As a published writer (Yup, couldn’t spell ‘remember’ until recently but yes, I’m published 👀)
Severe dyslexia is a struggle and does affect daily life. Maybe now those who have kindly asked me to host journaling workshops will know why I’ve always said no. Which is a shame as I know that *Ish inside out ✍
‘‘Let’s break down mental health stigma.
28/07/2022
After a long arse, emotionally draining and tough day, I got home and wrote. Maaaan I wrote!
I wish I could share the words but at this time, it isn’t possible. I’m censored, mate.
Me speaking of my issues isn’t easy. It's fucking hard. Reliving parts is challenging and trust me, upsetting. The reason I do it? … Yeah, don’t get me wrong, this shit is pure therapy. But I also know it helps others. How? From the endless DM’s and emails, I get.
My ‘oversharing’ breaks down stigma around this subject, making it normal. Well, at least I hope it does.
If I were to share what I’m feeling, there would be backlash and even the odd comment to ‘Man up and get on with it’
My response... Fuck off (Said in my most extreme cockney twang)
It isn’t easy feeling a certain way. If anyone is concerned, stressed or worried about their mental state. Please check out the contact part on my home page. There are many people that care and are happy to listen.
YOU, WE really do matter.
‘‘Let’s break down mental health stigma.
22/07/2022
Today I got some upsetting news. I had to take a lap. Leaving work fighting back unexpected tears. Hiding my face to be strong. I broke down praying for the day to end. Once home I did what any OCD fuelled person does when facing breaking point…
I cracked the cleaning products out🧼
These mundane tasks help take my mind off things (Suppress, distract if you will) always followed by my go-to of journaling.
I think I’m emotionally stressed
The signs,
Depression or anxiety (Let’s try both.
Anger, irritability, or restlessness. 👀
Feeling overwhelmed, unmotivated. ✅
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much.🤔
Racing thoughts or constant worry ✅
Problems with your memory or concentration. ✅
Making bad decisions. (…Let’s not go there)
Tomorrow is a new day. I can’t say I’m looking forward to it but it’s fresh. For now, I’m in the present. Meditation and bed. I’ll worry about tomorrow when it arrives.
‘‘My thoughts are with you every step of the way’’
‘‘Let’s break down mental health stigma.
01/06/2022
**TRIGGER WARNING**
Lately, I've felt stressed, more than normal.
Yesterday I left work around 8.30pm. It was another late one and I'd had enough. I look tired, unhappy, and my skin wrinkled and heavy, almost resembling one of those saggy dogs. A good look but...on a dog 👀 🐕
Being a mild evening, I walked home. About half way my fingers started to hurt. The sensation bloody painful. A feeling my fingers were ripped open and mate, this felt so real, so much so I had to look at my hand to make sure it wasn't bleeding.
I knew this was stress and OCD joining forces to piss me the f**k off 😒
Sensory hallucinations aren't really mentioned with OCD. They tend to hit me the same time as an intrusive thought and always when anxiety strikes.
I know how to help myself, labelling the thought/feeling with 'Stress/Worry' and it always helps. Reminding myself it isn't real.
2022 hasn't been kind and my negative outlook isn't helping much.
(Money is a real issue but we are all in the same boat right now🚤)
I've gone backwards with my mental state but that means I can only go forwards, right?
This bank holiday will be spent re-evaluating everything 🤔
Let's see what's what. Here's to a happy, chill and fun-loving BHW!
Hope everyone has an amazing one, working or not! 💖🎉
(☀Sunshine all the way please!)
#change #mentalhealthsupport #ocdawareness #stressmanagement #anxiety #mentalhealth #relax #worklifebalance #newbeginnings #openfornewopportunities #support #bankholiday
23/05/2022
After a pretty challenging week, I feel guilty as fuck!
Guilt I haven’t spent enough time with family and friends. I missed both my niece’s and nephew’s birthday’s #shituncle, right?
I haven’t checked in on friends for a fair while and, well, I’ve been all round rubbish.
The guilt reared its head after some news just yesterday. I lost someone. The pain that goes with this is beyond what I thought. It may seem batshit crazy to say but, the thing that hit me was being told
‘’I didn’t want to call in case you were at work’’
Why did that hit me? The fact that it’s always assumed I’m working. I’ve missed BBQ’s, the birthdays and weekends away. I missed the last few days of someone’s LIFE because I’m always at work and when I’m not, I’m so shattered or you guessed it, working on a little side hustle.
This made me think... why is work taking up so much of life? Will I blink and realise I’ve worked and worked while everyone around me have drifted away or deeper, passed away?
So, do I spend all this time at work for a fat arse pay check? Nope.
Oh, I'm changing people's lives then? … err 👀
In reality, I work to get through. To pay bills and have nothing left at the end of the month. That’s it.
This terrible news that got me.
Those that we love are what matters. Money.... meh, let’s worry about that shit later (Easier said than done but something needs to give)
‘‘Let’s break down mental health stigma.
15/05/2022
I’m so lost.
Can GAD and OCD be affecting me so deeply that I cannot think or concentrate on anything?
‘Check out my trainers! So ugly, Luv them!
14/03/2022
Luv a cheeky Monday off 😜
Whenever I take a day ‘for me’ I seem to wake up earlier and always get ish done before 12.
I’m already hunting for the next thing to keep me busy.
This morning I’ve completed my,
morning pages. A little light reading and had a coffee date with a friend. It’s 11.20!
Yeah, I still have some studying and gym but, I’m kinda bored…. Those with GAD will know the feeling of…
‘Fuck, can I just relax!’
Time for some writing and breathwork to settle my busy arse mind 🤯… Might even throw some classic reading music in the mix.
Every little helps.
#dayoff #morningpages #journaling #mindfulness #metime #relax #anxiety #writing #breathingexercise #sunnyday #busybusy #mentalhealth
07/03/2022
So, sadly my updates were deleted by mistake..oops, I didn’t notice until a lovely DM asked me, ‘‘No more blog?’’
Anyways. 2022 hasn’t been the kindest. Because of this, stress and anxiety really started playing up, which brings on OCD. Joyful!, right?
I’ve noticed I’m becoming complacent, with work, relationships, and even myself. Feeling that everything is fine and going in the direction I want.
When In truth, I feel lost? Instead of reading and writing, I’m out late or working way past my paid hours. Self-development has taken a backseat.
How do people keep on track? How do they study and work while remaining sane?
While I sort it out, I’ll carry on with ‘Morning Pages’ exercise, and meditation, all of which are so helpful. Highly recommended. ✍😍
22/08/2021
Alcohol contributing to OCD quasi hallucinations 🤔
It’s been a very social, drink heavy week.
Lots of smooshing and networking teamed with drinks on arrival and endless top up’s.
I’ve found myself back in the mix of this world, which I love and feel work is finally enjoyable (About bloody time)... But, the weekend has hit and I’m not my best.
OCD and anxiety seem to hit in the mornings. Journaling and breathwork are helping but some of the hallucination pain feels more real than ever.
This time around my coping strategies are failing me but I understand it’s a blip that will pass.
No drinks for a while and regular Breathwork/ Journal breaks’ throughout the day have been added to my calendar to ease things 😊
#mentalhealth #anxiety #wellness #alcohol #ocdrecovery #worklifebalance #journaling
07/08/2021
Lonely as fuck.
It’s always a pain when this ‘Lonely’ mood hits me. The weekend is here and I’m wiped out from work. It’s been full of networking, after-work drinks and smooshing (Not moaning, it’s jokes!) But it does means I’m shattered.
Now I’m off, I feel obligated to go out, see people and have fun! 🎉
In truth, I just wanted to stay in, listen to the rain and catch up on the Olympics. So, that’s what I did, until, 5pm came around and felt to go somewhere. My plans had fallen through and I was a little lost and pretty alone… Going through my phone feeling I’d be bugging anyone to meet up… How stupid?
This anxiety feeling held me back from texting any friends and left me feeling I had no one. I know myself well enough to understand this is all a part of having anxiety.
This is one part of my mind I’m finding hard to overcome.
01/08/2021
Complacent much?
My new job has me the happiest I’ve been in over 2 years!
The people, the role, the vibes are all on point!. The only thing is, I’ve neglected ‘Me’ and everything I worked so hard for.
It begs the question. Am I getting too comfortable?
…. TBC
12/07/2021
Week one of the new job did! 😎
Honestly, I cannot explain the difference!
I feel myself.
I love the people.
I look forward to going in... But...
Yesterday hit me. Day off and anxious as f**k! Feelings I can’t do it & I’m not good enough. When these blips hit me my OCD goes through the roof.
Intrusive thought and the worst, sensory hallucinations.
Thankfully I can deal.
Sounds silly but mundane tasks take my mind away, it’s like meditation with added productivity 🧹
While most were out enjoying their Saturday. I spent the late evenings cleaning, even dusted 100s of plants 🪴 😂
#motivation #wellness #newbeginnings #mentalhealth #anxietyrelief #ocdawareness #freshstart2021
01/07/2021
Another Pride month is over 🌈 & I said nothing... there’s a pattern here 🤔
Yesterday was my last shift before moving on to a new role! During the past 15 months, 12 - hour shifts with a very small team I kept a secret.
In all honesty, my sexuality never really comes up, and why would it? But spending 48hr a week, you, of course, talk about your personal life. This was the first time in over 13 years where I felt nervous to be open.
I had no idea how much this would affect me. Trying so hard not to say ‘he’ Hiding my 5-year relationship like a dirty secret.
Of course, it’s my problem not feeling comfortable as some of the team I’m sure wouldn’t give two shits, but this worried feeling was so strong I never dare talk about it.
From now on I’ll be open and honest, as keeping what is a small part of my life hidden has destroyed me mentally.
(For someone that’s already a lil messed up, prob not the best 😅)
“Be open! Be you! Be free! Never feel ashamed!” ❤️🌈✌🏻
#love #community #lgbtpride #mentalhealth #lgbtqhealth #workculture #beyourself
Stratford - East London
23/06/2021
Today is my only day off… for a while.
I start a fresh new job tomorrow, while still working my notice period at my current role and interning at the same time… So, what does that look like, apart from shattered?
Sat - Tuesday. Up at 5.45 am and home at 7.45 pm. For the J.O.B
Wednesday (Today) Off.
Up at 8 am. Complete ‘morning papers’ This is where you write 3 pages of what’s on your mind, it helps free up the ‘Monkey mind’
9 am - Clean flat.
Leave at 9.30 am for coffee and what turned into a 3-hour walk (I know right) Camera in hand to take some photos of East London’s beauty.
Home for lunch and begin to write.
6 pm - Home workout / The rest of my day will be spent reading, meditating, and texting random Ish to my partner.
My days off are busy but busy with what makes me happy. I take my time with no set plans. I’m open to catch-up with friends or go see the fam. Of course, some days I’d spend time watching the box or having a cheeky pint with people. I feel this level of busyness helps me to stay sane.
Keep occupied but do go with the flow is a winning formula!
06/06/2021
What a day! ☀️ 😎
After figuring out I’m working up to 80 hrs a week! It’s been decided to focus on lil old me for a while.
Meditation, writing, reading, long walks are all things I do daily, but, I tend to cram it all in at once. There’s no real flow or ease. I’m always feeling I need to get Ish done.
I’m all for working your arse off, but there needs to be more.
Enjoy the wonderful weather!!! ☀️
Hackney Wick - East London
01/6/2021
At the start of June, I took part in my first panel talk hosted by MindHug! I joined the inspiring Sandeep Saip to chat all things mental health.
Budapest (I just like the pic)